There have been a couple times in my life where I have had an interesting thing happen to me in regard to my porn addiction. The first time was when I read the biography of Jenna Jameson. My heart was absolutely broken by her story. It put a face and a heart on one of the porn stars whom I was objectifying and it really hurt me. I wanted her to know how sorry I was for my contribution. I wanted to be a Dad to her. I fell in love with her as a person instead of as a naked dreamgirl. I wished only the best for her. It made me want to stop porn even more. But, I didn’t.
A couple weeks ago, Bibi Jones announced her retirement from the porn industry to Youtube. She was one of the porn stars who had become a favorite of mine. But, her testimony on Youtube was devastating. There she was crying. She was explaining how miserable she was and how she just wanted to be free. She wanted a new life. Porn had taken her soul and crushed her. Now, that beautiful girl who I had spent time lusting over transformed before my eyes into a real person with real feelings. I didn’t want to see her naked. I wanted to cover her all up and wrap her tight in my arms and squeeze her and let her know how valuable she is and encourage her. Please, Jenna and Bibi–keep going. Don’t ever come back. I love these two women even though I don’t know them. I don’t even know why I love them so deeply. There seems to be something deep inside me that responds very sympathetically to the human nature of porn stars. I wish I could see through the facade of all of them. But, I don’t. That’s the problem. I know Jenna and Bibi would never read this post, but if they did, I would want them to know that I am so sorry! Please forgive me for I did not know what I was doing.
Jesus asked that same forgiveness once for those who were murdering him. The same hatred and darkness that was being expressed by the murderers of Jesus is expressed in me when I objectify and lust after women. It is the murder of love that takes place really. Oh, how I need true love for humanity as Jesus did. How I need to truly love these women of porn rather than murder them!