Over the summer, I thought I had given up porn for good. I didn’t view it for three whole months. I had such a strong determination. I kept telling myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER under ANY circumstances look at it EVER again. NO MATTER WHAT! NOT EVEN ONCE! I was sooo sure the battle was finally over forever. Then, it started to happen… Things started to get more stressful. Some things I was working very hard on weren’t working out no matter how hard I was trying. I started feeling more despondent and bored. Then, the nagging began. The temptation to just give in because life sucks anyway. I was starting to get a little angry with God because I was starting to doubt His willingness to help me with my life. I was just feeling like giving up. And when I feel that way, apparently I just don’t seem to care because I went full-bore back into porn. Daily, I was just indulging, bingeing, and sinking deeper. I didn’t want to quit and my attitude became very dark and depressed. I had now given up. For the next two months I think I suffered the worst depression I have ever had. I would go to church and not really care. I hated leaving my house for any reason. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be noticed. I just wanted to curl up in a dark cave and hibernate until it was over. The worst part is that life wouldn’t let me and it hurt. Now, I’ve been climbing back up out of that darkness. I haven’t relapsed since then but many days I want to. I want my comfort I find in porn. Why?!
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