Never again… Nevermind!

Over the summer, I thought I had given up porn for good.  I didn’t view it for three whole months.  I had such a strong determination.  I kept telling myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER under ANY circumstances look at it EVER again.  NO MATTER WHAT!  NOT EVEN ONCE!  I was sooo sure the battle was finally over forever.  Then, it started to happen…  Things started to get more stressful.  Some things I was working very hard on weren’t working out no matter how hard I was trying.  I started feeling more despondent and bored.  Then, the nagging began.  The temptation to just give in because life sucks anyway.  I was starting to get a little angry with God because I was starting to doubt His willingness to help me with my life.  I was just feeling like giving up.  And when I feel that way, apparently I just don’t seem to care because I went full-bore back into porn.  Daily, I was just indulging, bingeing, and sinking deeper.  I didn’t want to quit and my attitude became very dark and depressed.  I had now given up.  For the next two months I think I suffered the worst depression I have ever had.  I would go to church and not really care.  I hated leaving my house for any reason.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I didn’t want to be noticed.  I just wanted to curl up in a dark cave and hibernate until it was over.  The worst part is that life wouldn’t let me and it hurt.  Now, I’ve been climbing back up out of that darkness.   I haven’t relapsed since then but many days I want to.  I want my comfort I find in porn.  Why?!

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3 Responses to Never again… Nevermind!

  1. Keep sharing, it takes the power out of it. Also, I promise if you find a church that sings praises, that will help as well. Or just youtube worship songs instead of porn.

  2. bluemoods71 says:

    Reading this blog just smacked me upside the head…seriously…I had never even considered that porn would have anything to do with depression…sitting here now, and pondering not only your words above, but also looking back on my own addiction to the demon……I never once felt “happy” with it. It was always the opposite…afterwards, that is…sad, lonely, depressed, worthless, disgusting.

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