Door is Open, but Freedom Can’t be Found…

It’s a new day… again!  Over and over addicts have this “new day” experience where porn has let them go for a moment.  They’re granted just enough time to regroup and attempt to gear up for the next battle.  Anyone who has suffered addiction knows what I’m talking about.  You get your fix and then the addictive pressure subsides for awhile.  In those free moments you try to do everything you can while you’re thinking straight to try to shore up for the inevitable onslaught of temptation that is sure to come soon…  who knows when or how…  but soon.

So, here I am.  What to do?  I read a couple good blogs this morning from OneThousandSingleDays.  One was about the value of the time we have.  And I guess the other one was about the same thing.  I started to really consider all of my life I’m wasting in this stupid addiction.  But, what am I supposed to do?  I’ve almost tried everything.  This is the first time I’ve ever blogged about it.  Will this help? I don’t know.  We’ll see.

Boredom is a big issue for me.  I spend a lot of time alone and by myself.  I’m an introvert.  Not shy, but introverted.  I find that social interaction drains my energy.  I enjoy being alone more than others do.  But, I also find myself bored all too often.  I try to go hiking by myself sometimes, but I get lonely in the woods.  I get sad.  I live in a small town, so there’s nowhere to go to be around people except Walmart.  And that’s not the most interesting place to hang out.  Starbucks?  I guess so, but I’ve done it so much I’m a little bored of it too.  I just feel like I’ve really run out of options.  I Googled “what bored people do for fun” the other day.  That’s pretty pathetic isn’t it? It was pointless.  The only advice I found that seemed even remotely interesting was to learn to juggle.  So, I guess I’ll be trying to find three items to throw around in the air today.  Joy of all joys!  I just can’t wait!  (If I weren’t a Christian I would swear right now.)

I got into photography really hardcore.  I learned a lot and got some good equipment and started taking lots of photos.  Then, I started pursuing photos with models which began to get a little too close to my addiction for comfort.  My sickness started to warp my good intentions as always.  Soon, my imagination began to wander into the “what ifs”.  Then, a struggle ensued.  Temptation and reason began to fight and argue.  Anyone who has lived in a dysfunctional family knows how tiring it is to always be in the presence of turmoil and constant fighting.  You just want to escape!  So, I put my camera gear in the closet and just said, “forget it”.  I lost the innocence of photography and had to just give it up before porn took it over.  Porn has taken everything in my life.  It is like cancer.  It just envelopes everything within me.  I can’t seem to break free from its creeping infiltration.

So, on days like today–where I feel like I just might have an opportunity to escape–I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I suppose it looks a little like this:  Suppose you’re a prisoner of war (or at least have seen a movie about one).  Weekly, your guards open the door of your cage and walk away.  You explore the idea that you might be free, so you step out of the cage and sneak off into the forest.  A few minutes later, they find you and put you back in the cage and lock it tight.  This happens week after week.  No matter which direction you flee, they always manage to find you and put you back.  After enough weeks of this pass by, you realize that it seems to be some kind of game they like to play with you.  So, you wonder what the point is in even playing.  Maybe when they open the cage for you it would be better to just sit there.  Why try?  You know you won’t escape.

That’s how I feel right now.  Sad, but true.