“Now Is All You Have”


Another photo from my “Bored Walk” called, “Now Is All You Have”.

This sticker made me think of something kind of ironic that took place in my recent past.  I was stuck in one of my porn binges and I was looking up a particular porn star online.  In the process, I found that she had posted a Youtube video announcing her retirement from the porn industry, so I checked it out.  In the video, there she was, a real person with real feelings pouring her heart out about how empty she had become through her involvement in porn.  She shared how she had been reading a book called “The Power of Now” and how it was changing her life.  She no longer wanted to live the life that was destroying her, but had found the beauty of life in “the now”.  It made me interested in reading the book, so I found a copy and started reading.

Although the book was far too “new-age” for my liking, I did find it carried a very relevant truth.  I suppose from the perspective of the Bible, it would go something like this:

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”  Matthew 6:24-34

This truth is a call to live one day at a time.  We don’t have to spend nervous energy on the past or the future.  Instead, we should value the “Now”.  “Now Is All You Have”!

Between the heartfelt message of this girl on YouTube and the message of the book she had recommended, I was impacted.  Who would have guessed that the very porn star who had been so influential in my destruction would also be so influential in my restoration?!  Life has a way of throwing curve-balls like that…

It reminds me of another story I heard this week about a guy who was young in the Christian faith who wanted to share his faith with someone and decided to call his Pastor to see if there was anyone he could visit with.  It just so happened that the Pastor had become sick that day, but was scheduled to have an important meeting with a man that afternoon.  The man he was going to visit had been heavily addicted to drugs for 40 years and here it was, the 1st of the month, when drug addicts tend to binge because they get their paychecks and blow it all on drugs.  So, the Pastor had promised to come and spend the day with him to help him through it.  But, now he was sick and couldn’t go.  He was very worried for the man.  Now, the new Christian is calling, wondering if there might be someone he could visit with.  The Pastor was concerned that the drug-addict might be too big a task for this newb.  Hesitantly, he arranged for the new guy to visit the druggie.

When the Christian and drug-addict met, they went to a restaurant to talk.  The drug-addict began telling him his story of how his addiction had started.  He was working as a dishwasher in a restaurant at the time and his boss had come into the kitchen with some cocaine.  He decided to try it and fell in love with it instantly.  His love/hate relationship with cocaine would last the next 40 years.  Suddenly, the drug-addict realized something.  What was the address of this restaurant they were eating in?  Could it be?…  Yes, it was in fact, the very same restaurant that he had worked in 40 years earlier that this new Christian had brought him to.  It deeply settled on  him that God had brought him back to the very place where he had become captive to set him free.  God has a way of throwing curve-balls that are designed to impact us uniquely and individually.

God is doing that in a lot of ways in my life right now.

I reached a milestone in my addiction recovery tonight.  For a long time, I’ve longed to have genuine Christian fellowship where I could confess my sin to fellow Christians.  But, the church I’ve belonged to has never really seemed open to that kind of honesty.  Well, today I decided I was going to change that!  “Now Is All You Have”.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  So, I had four of my closest guy friends from church over and we studied a bit.  Then, I fully laid it all out on the line and told them everything!  I now understand how intense it must be for homosexuals to “come out”.  I was seriously panicking about it, but could not turn back.  I trusted the response would be positive.  Three of the guys confessed sins they had been struggling with in private as well.  The other guy, who is newer in the faith, confessed that he had sins too but was too insecure to share them.  We had amazing prayer together.  It has brought our relationship to a new dimension.  That’s exactly what I’ve been seeking for a long time.  I can hardly believe this is a reality as I write this.  I’m blown away by the courage God gave me–likely caused by desperation.

I think some sins need to be confessed to others because we can’t quit alone.  That’s why God says in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”  Healing is the promise when we do this!

There are a lot of things God is telling me to move forward with “Now”.  I feel like I have no choice but to charge ahead rather than languish in the pit of anticipation and regret.

Throw a prayer my way if you would.  And, if you wouldn’t mind, would you also say a prayer for the porn star?  Her first name is Britney.

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2 Responses to “Now Is All You Have”

  1. coastalmom says:

    Praying for you! I have a feeling a powerful ministry is going to come from your honesty!

    • lostinporn says:

      I have been having that feeling as well. I know it’s pretty early in my recovery, but I’ve begun keeping track of my progress because I intend to write a book about this.

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