Yesterday, I was reading a post from a fellow Porn addict blogger, who goes by the name pornographyaddict. He was blogging about his recent breakup with his girlfriend and all the “little things” in his life that remind him of her and make it hard for him to move on.
Today, I was talking to my wife and we got into a discussion on happiness. Lately, I’ve just felt completely miserable. I feel like I have no desire to do anything. I feel sad, lonely, depressed–almost numb. Happiness just seems so elusive. Usually, I would just analyze what it is that’s making me unhappy and solve it. But, in my self-analysis I just wasn’t finding the answer. I just couldn’t pin-point what it is that’s giving me this general malaise. I feel like my wife did a great job of helping me today. She said it’s probably because of my loss. It’s like I have broken up a long relationship and it hurts when people do that.
My mind instantly remembered pornographyaddict’s blog from yesterday and the feelings he was sharing. Yes, that’s exactly how I feel! The porn is heavy on my mind. I miss her. I don’t want her, but I miss being with her. We had been together so long that I haven’t figured out how to live my life without her. So many of the “little things” in my life remind me of her. She was always there for me (even though she was such a “B”). She was so loyal, always available, always beckoning. She loved me and needed me (in such a sick way)! She was always just waiting for me to log on. She was there in the chat rooms trying to get me to “go private” (for a price). She was always there posing in the pictures like I was the man of her dreams. It just seemed like she liked me and longed for me. She was always giving herself to me unconditionally. That’s what we all want in a relationship isn’t it? But, oh the sting of her bite! She lures with honey, but bites with venom. Without even realizing it, she tangles you in her web. She is the black widow–destroying and devouring her mate! She is dark and deceptive. Beautiful and smiling and offering herself to you, but under the mask is the wicked face of death. She offers the fruit, but it is poison. It is straight from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil–and it leads to death!
It’s an Ahab and Jezebel relationship. She was so deceptive and always led him astray, but his love for her was so strong he couldn’t resist. It’s a Samson and Delilah relationship. She cut his hair and destroyed his strength, but he was so smitten that he let her do it. It’s an Adam and Eve relationship. She gave him the fruit and he ate it knowing it was death–simply because he couldn’t imagine life without her.
Sometimes people go back to an unhealthy relationship simply because they just can’t seem to function without it. Even though it’s dysfunctional, they consider it to be better than non-existent. I have to admit the porn has been calling my name–beckoning from a distance. I’m the lonely lover who has lost his soul-mate. But, I will not go back to her no matter how loudly she calls. She has abused me and beaten me for too long. Often, for people who are abused and codependent, there just comes a time where enough is enough. I think I’ve reached that place. But, it’s not easy to say no. I still love her kind of. I don’t know if it’s love so much, but it’s an emptiness that hurts.
Jesus once said, “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.” (Matt. 12:43-45)
I’ve got to fill this hole, but I haven’t figured out how just yet. One side-effect of porn is that it takes away your satisfaction with life. Nothing seems to measure up to the constant dopamine hit that comes by continued clicking on pics. A walk in the woods just doesn’t do it. Hobbies don’t seem to do it. Real people and relationships don’t seem to do it. I haven’t really found anything that does it. Hence the pain I’m feeling! Hence the strong temptation to go back. The seven spirits want to move in. But, I don’t want them to.
So, what is it that heals a breakup? I don’t really think the feelings I’m having are any different from someone who is left by a long-time love. I think what heals these things is time. So, I’m trying to give it the time it needs.
What makes it most difficult is that I know she’s right there waiting for me to let her come back. So, in a sense, porn is that girlfriend who is really hard to get rid of. She’s always trying to come back, but you won’t allow it. She’s that one that is bad news. Every time you’ve let her back in, she has hurt you. Now, you’re just done with it. But, she won’t leave you alone. And deep down inside you still kind of love her. But, you know it’s not best.
I believe my desire for life will return with time. I believe the day will come when I, once again, will enjoy hobbies, people, etc. That hole will be filled with positive things instead of negative, destructive habits. I can’t wait for that day! But, I must! Or else this thing will never end until I die. Which I fear would be earlier than it is supposed to be if I were to take her back again. She has almost killed me in the past and I’ve realized her danger. She would kill me this time for sure! She’s the Black Widow!