How Does One Avoid Seeing “Her”?! (The_Lust_Struggle_Cont’d)


So, I just started school again.  I have to drive 7 hours to get there every week and then back. Monday was my first day and I’m struggling with something…

The school I’m going to is in Santa Barbara and I have to say–I have never seen so many beautiful girls all in one place!  For me, that’s tough because I’m in the middle of working out these lust issues I have and this temptation is HUGE for me!

They always say, “you can look, but don’t touch”.  Well, the Bible doesn’t quite say that.  The Bible says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Matt. 5:27, 28.

The Bible is so clear about this and serious about it that the next verse says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.”

The eye is a sacred member of our body according to Scripture.  It is one of the avenues to the soul that must be guarded at all cost.  Jesus said, “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.”  Matt. 6:22, 23.  What He is saying here is that our eyes are kind of like portals.  If we allow bad things (lustful things) to come into our eyes, it casts total darkness throughout the whole body.  On the other hand, if we present our eyes with good things, light is cast throughout the entire body.  The eye, though small, is a magnifying lens of what we are looking at.  So, if we choose to look with lust our body becomes engrossed in it and we suffer as a result.  It consumes us like a fire and we get burned.

This is why Job writes, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?”  Job 31:1.  He goes on to talk about the sure destruction he expects should he break that agreement with himself.  He clearly understood the harmful effects of “looking, but not touching.”

So, how does this work?  I can’t seem to help but notice how incredibly gorgeous these girls are on campus.  They also have a habit in Santa Barbara of wearing clothes that reveal a whole lot.  That makes it doubly hard to bear.  So, I understand there is a difference between temptation and sin.  I’m being tempted but not necessarily sinning for the most part.  There were a couple girls I definitely found myself looking too long at.  The problem with temptation for me is that it brings up all these terrible feelings I have inside me.  My heart begins to ache and long for something I know I can’t have.  I feel a sense of loneliness and despair.  It really, really hurts me deeply, for some reason, and I don’t know why.  If I could remove myself from the situation that would be one thing, but I have to go to school.  Should I actually just pluck out my eyes?  Should I get some really, really dark glasses that I can barely see out of and use a long cane to pretend I’m completely blind?  Then, I could still see enough to get around but not well enough to see the details.  To what extremes must one go to escape this tragic pain?

This area of my life has got to get straightened out soon because I can’t stand these feelings.  When I gave up porn, it felt like breaking up with a girlfriend that I’d had for a long time.  It hurt.  I suffered debilitating depression for weeks.  Now, after a day of being around these beautiful women, I’m left with that same feeling of pain and loss.  It’s not as severe as the depression I had before but it’s a dull aching sorrow that just doesn’t seem to leave right away.  I know I’m going to be exposed to this weekly so what do I do?  How does one avoid seeing “her”?

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6 Responses to How Does One Avoid Seeing “Her”?! (The_Lust_Struggle_Cont’d)

  1. torik89 says:

    I think in every area of life we find our thoughts are not pleasing to God or leading to sin, we just have to remember Colossians 3:1-2. Simple, but not easy. I think the more you condition your thoughts to turn immediately from the girls you see to Jesus and His Word, the easier it will become to avoid those kinds of thoughts at all. I will be praying for you in this!

  2. Sydney says:

    The dull aching sorrow and the grief you express with regards to not being able to avoid seeing “her” reminds me of why Paul says flee from sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18). Our sexual nature is so much at the core of who we are that when we sin sexually we are not just sinning outside of the body, but against our own body (2 Cor 6:18). I always advise people to recognize what situations cause them to be tempted and avoid them (or flee from them). It doesn’t sound like you can do this. I’ll be praying for you as you go to class on Mondays. If you recognize that this is a spiritual battle, there are a number of things that you could do to fight it- depending on how “extreme” you want to be about it. However, never forget that God has created your sexuality and your desire to look at beautiful women and be attracted to them. He has also called you to self-control, faithfulness to your wife, and holiness in that area. Therein lies the road we must travel.

    • Thanks for your prayers! And for the thoughtful comment. I guess it would just be nice if God would take away my attraction to women, but I guess that’s probably not really ever going to happen. The self-control part is likely the real answer. Thanks for the reminder and the “normalcy check”.

  3. april says:

    I appreciate your honesty and I’ve enjoyed reading through your blogs.They are very insightful and thought provoking. I know that you are married. I’m not sure if I feel very sorry for your wife, or happy for her. (That you are honest in your recovery). It’s an emotional thing for a wife to have to go through. How does she feel? Are you two still together?
    I know from my experience, it can be very humiliating for a spouse of a porn addict. But, your sincerity is commendable.

    • Thank you for your encouraging comment. Yes, my wife and I are still together and are very happy now. She is very hurt by my past, which is completely understandable. I love her even more for staying with me and I feel I owe her so much. I’ve learned there are some things I can talk to her about and other things that only serve to hurt her. So, I am selective about the things I share with her about my recovery struggles and all of that. I don’t share much from my blog with her. She has asked that I don’t make my blog public to our close circle, so I’ve respected that. You’ve given me an idea to share how my recovery has been perceived by others (including my wife). There has been a lot of mistrust that I’ve had to deal with (more from other people and not so much from my wife)–that has been one of the hardest things for me. But, rather than give up and go back I’ve stood strong and determined not to let it defeat me.

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