I can see a new sense of normalcy returning. The other night, I was at an event and someone was there who I’ve had a crush on in the past. In fact, I’ve had a crush on her for a long time. It seemed like whenever I wasn’t around her, it was no big deal but whenever I would be around her the crush would return. For a few days after our interaction, by heart would ache.
Because of my recovery, I’ve been trying to avoid any interaction with her that would trip me up. But, the other night I didn’t really have much of a choice. So, I spent some time visiting with her. It seemed different. I wasn’t feeling like I usually did with her. So, I spent some more time visiting with her. We talked for quite a while, in fact. The whole time I was just sitting there thinking, “what is going on here? I feel normal with her for the first time in a long time…” It felt really good just to talk with her as a friend without the awkward feelings. The days that followed were normal too. It felt healthy and good. I really feel like I’m starting to change.
I’m still aware that it’s probably not a great idea to overdo it, but it was really good to experience her company in a more normal way.
So, I feel like that is a great victory. It’s been a while since that’s been the case with me. I think porn addiction causes a burning passion to always be kindled when around attractive women. I’ve read that it’s pretty common for the addict to always be “scanning” and “hunting”. I can relate to that.
It’s been a long road, but I feel like there is a good amount of hope. The worst part of recovery is just not knowing whether you can ever be normal again. You have a sense that you are permanently broken and you don’t really have any indication of whether or not you will actually be healed. This event was really helpful and encouraging.