My last post was ALMOST A MONTH AGO!! Here’s why…
Christians are supposed to be happy, have it all together, and save the world. But, I’ve been pissed off (I know we’re not supposed to say that), I’ve been really hurt, I’ve been struggling and depressed, and I’ve been unable to really help myself–let alone anyone else. As a result, I went into hiding. I started cutting back on everything social in my life. I started to draw inward. I didn’t want to blog because I didn’t have anything “inspiring” to write about.
My problem begins with some of the changes that I’m going through in my life. We’ve recently decided to move away so I can finish school. As a result, I’m not as motivated to be part of anything because I’m not going to be around to finish anything. I’m just kind of in a waiting pattern. The problem continues with the fact that I believe I was wrongly treated by those two leaders I had put my confidence in regarding recovery. That is the source of my anger and resentment and I haven’t completely worked through that yet. Worse than that, I have lost my support group as a result. I’m a firm believer that we can’t overcome addiction without others (typically). So, I feel like I don’t have the support structure in place right now and it leaves me feeling hopeless. I’m hesitant to go out and find a new group because I’ll just be leaving it in two months. Another part of the problem is that, a while back, I made the decision to stop all conversation with my wife about my addiction because she is just too sensitive to it and processes it all to feel bad about herself. I don’t like hurting her and it doesn’t seem to help anyway. So, this has created the “perfect storm” in my life. I’m alone and fragile. I’m weak and vulnerable.
As a result of my situation, I almost made a conscious decision to just indulge myself for the time being in the only thing that seems to maintain my sanity–porn. But, I’ve been struggling so hard with that idea because it is also the thing that has become my deepest enemy. And so I’ve just been sitting around kind of stunned almost. I’ll play computer games, watch movies, do my schoolwork–anything to try to distract myself. But, I’m not happy at all right now. I don’t have things together. I’ve been feeling isolated and lost again. And I’ve had sporadic relapse as well.
But, then something happened yesterday that is really amazing to me. A lifeline was thrown to me in such an unexpected way–from a fellow blogger! The following is what was posted to me as a comment on one of my previous posts:
“I’m keeping you in my daily prayers, Lost, because I’ve felt from the moment I stumbled onto your blog that God is going to use you greatly in this work…
You haven’t written in a while here. Please keep writing, no matter what is going on. Be honest at all times while you’re doing so. You need this outlet and we need to know what’s happening to and with you. We are praying for you and concerned.. please don’t isolate. You have many prayers from this blogging realm coming your way, I suspect.”
I was kind of shocked… someone was thinking of me. Someone was watching my posts and was concerned about my absence. It seemed I could hide from the real people in my life, but here was a fellow blogging buddy who was trying to keep me accountable.
I really don’t know this person… where she lives (or if “she” is even really a “she”), what “she” looks like, what “her” life is like, or anything really. All I know is that we’ve connected through brokenness and that she seems to care when it feels like nobody else really does.
I have to admit I’ve always been a little bit skeptical about any kind of online friendships. When it came to other bloggers, I was getting some comments from people who seemed to care about my posts, but I was never really completely confident that they cared all that much. I assumed my post was just “another post” to comment on. Sometimes I even assumed the comments were just an attempt to gain more followers or something. It happens…
But, there have been a few fellow bloggers who have really seemed sincere to me. They’ve said things to me that show that they’ve really been listening–and seem to care. And when I needed it most, one of them popped in at just the right time and renewed a little bit of hope within me with a genuine and heartfelt comment.
My family is going on a trip today. They’ll be gone for two weeks. I’ve been struggling with the whole thing because I’ve been tempted to become a complete hermit for the next two weeks and sit home indulging lust. But, at the same time there is the other part of me that does not want to do that. I’ve been riding the fence. This one little comment added some strength and made me want to try to do something positive with the next two weeks instead. I don’t know exactly what… but I have a stronger desire. So, I’ve been thinking about it.
Yes, I think you can find some blogging buddies that are real and that can really help. I’m realizing more and more that we are designed with a need for relationship. God said in the beginning, “It is not good that man should be alone”. Prov. 18:1 says, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” And there are many other Scriptures I’m finding to support the idea. But, anyway…
So, I’m choosing not to isolate from the blog community. I’m going to try to keep posting–even through the darker times. I guess I don’t have anything to prove anymore so I’m going to just seek to be honest about my recovery experience.
Thank you all for your support–it really has meant a lot to me. I’ll try to return the favor as I’m able and as I regain strength.