My 2 Weeks Alone at Home–Porn War!

Well, the two weeks have ended.  My family returned from their trip and I am still alive and together.  I wasn’t sure whether I would be completely torn apart by my addiction during that time or not.  But, I wanted to share the experience I had because, overall, I think it was a really good one!

So, the first few days after they left I was completely free to do whatever I wanted.  I didn’t really have any appointments.  I didn’t have anyone checking in on me.  I was on my own!  And it started out rocky!!

I binged pretty hard those first few days.  But, for some reason it just wasn’t doing much for me.  It was really strange, but I didn’t seem to be enjoying porn–I wasn’t finding it all that exciting.  I’ve heard a lot of stories of God just taking away people’s addictions, but I could never believe it could happen to me–not after all these years of struggle.  But, in the back of my mind, I was beginning to wonder if maybe it was happening.  Had it lost some of it’s grip?

About the third day or so, I made a decision.  I was not going to spend the rest of the two weeks just locked up in my house being ridiculous–wasting good time on pathetic and unsatisfying sin.  So, I created a plan.  I was going to just use the computer for the things I needed to and instead of wasting a bunch of time on it surfing or whatever, I was going to go do something each day.  I began a major cleaning project on the house and did a bunch of organizing.  I took several hikes.  I did a photo project I had been putting off for quite a while (finished photo below).  I went disc golfing.  I did some reading and some journaling.  It was amazing.  For the first time in a long time, I was actually enjoying spending time with myself–in positive ways!  I was feeling healthy, happy, and empowered.  I had made a decision to enjoy my time rather than destroy myself in it and it was paying off.

Image

“Abduction”

The two weeks are over and I really feel like I did myself an amazing favor by making a right decision that I feel turned the tide on what could have been a nightmare of a time.  Instead, it was good.  I really missed my family, but I think I needed that time for myself.  I was making good choices for myself alone–nobody else was having any influence on my decision to cut out the porn–it was all for me!  And that felt really good.  So many times I would quite because I had some important meeting coming up and I felt like I needed God’s blessing and I knew He couldn’t be with me if I was caught up in porn.  But then, after the event, I would be back at it.  But, now I had nothing coming up to make me quite.  It just chose to for my own good.  I can just barely explain how good I’m feeling about this right now.  I’m feeling like I’m gaining some ground on this again!

You might remember I was worried about not having a support group for the two months or so before I move.  But, now I’m seeing that I just might be okay in the meantime.  And that’s removing a lot of pressure and anxiety.  I feared that the two months could be a train-wreck with possible permanent derailure.  I was afraid of myself.  But, somehow I seem to becoming a friend of myself.  It’s pretty amazing really.

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3 Responses to My 2 Weeks Alone at Home–Porn War!

  1. samiam77 says:

    I had wondered where you had gone! I am glad to hear you feel you made some head way. Now just stay vigilant and positive! You CAN do this! God Bless.

    • Hey! You know, it’s funny because I was thinking about you as I was writing this post. I said that nobody was checking up on me. But, I was almost tempted to put in parenthesis (except samiam77) because of the couple of comments you had made that seemed so “motherly” early on as I began the 2 weeks. I wondered if you’d read this post and, sure enough, you’re the first to comment! I’m definitely working on the “vigilant and positive” think. I bought a brand new journal and dedicated it all to positive thinking and experiences. So far, it’s been going good. Thanks for being a supportive blogging buddy!

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