I Die Today…

So, this might seem really weird, but I want to share something I’ve been thinking about all year that culminates today.

My 40th birthday is tomorrow (yeah, joy right?!) and it’s kind of a big deal.  Not because I’m turning 40 but because I’m no longer going to be 39.  Here’s the story of why that’s important…

Shortly after turning 39, I was reading something in the Bible that talked about one of the kings who died when he was 39 years old.  It struck me that I had just turned 39 myself.  Along with that there were some other things I was thinking about at the time regarding death and dying and it all seemed to just wind together into a perfect storm in my mind.  I started to have a strange impression that 39 may be the last year of my life.  I’m not a superstitious person but for some reason this thought haunted me all year.  I just had this odd feeling that I was going to die this year.  Well, today is the last day of my 39th year and I’m not dead yet.

It would be really incredible if I were to go out today and get in some kind of accident or something wouldn’t it?  But, I don’t really expect to.  Because as my thoughts settled on this subject, I began to think that my death at 39 had more to do with my death to my sin problem than it did to physical death.  I made a commitment early on this year that I would overcome porn once and for all this year–before turning 40.

That adds a lot of pressure to this birthday!

Once I turn 40 tomorrow, I don’t want to fail.  It’s almost like a personal New Year’s resolution or something that I never do porn again once I turn 40 or else I will have broken the hidden prophecy regarding myself.  This is just such a weird thing going on in my life–I’m sure none of you can really understand it.  I just have this abiding feeling that I must give up porn for good starting tomorrow or else!!  Or else what?  I have no idea.  But, it is scary to me for some reason.

The larger problem is that I’ve been going at this recovery all year now and I’m still kind of struggling.  I fail sometimes.  I falter.  I’ve set dates all year saying, “this is the last time”.

So, here I am at a crossroads.  Will this end for me now?  Will today be the day I die to this addiction once and for all.  I can’t make any promises, but I sure wish it to be so.

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7 Responses to I Die Today…

  1. Samantha Baker says:

    Maybe the old addicted part of you can die, and a new you can be reborn. Think of it as a rebirth, not a death.

  2. torik89 says:

    You are in my prayers!

  3. Pingback: Did I Die Yesterday? | **Lost In Porn Blog** (Now Recovering)

  4. conflictgirl says:

    Happy birthday to you! We are close to the same age. I hope your fears are just a symbolic death to the old ways you want to cast aside.

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