We made our move from little old Sonora to Ventura last week. On the way, I borrowed an audio book to listed to called, “Stalked”. It was a very exciting and interesting book. But, there is one part in it that stuck with me the most.
Toward the end, there is a conversation that occurs between Tony (the counselor) and Maggie regarding the psychology of serial killers. In my mind, it speaks to more than just murderers–but many, if not all, addictive pathologies. The conversation goes like this:
Maggie: “…could we be looking at the same ‘perp’?”
Tony: “After 10 years–that’s a long time between crimes”
Maggie: “But it DOES happen–I mean–serial killers sometimes wait that long?”
Tony: “yes–it depends on if they can find some other way to resolve their pathology–something that provides a similar sense of power or release.”
Maggie: “How would a rapist and a murderer resolve his pathology?”
Tony: “There are many ways… it depends on the individual. The perpetrator needs to find a substitute for his deviant behavior–something that satisfies his underlying need for power and control. The BTK Killer in Wichita wound up as a leader in his church. The social status he had in that role was apparently enough to keep him from committing more murders for many years.”
Maggie: “That sounds too easy.”
Tony: “no, it’s not easy at all. Keep in mind that most of these killers WANT to control their violence. They live a constant mortal struggle between good and evil. Some control their impulses all their lives–others fail. The lucky ones find a way to cage the beast.”
Any addict can see that truth in that conversation! I’ve found it to be true in my life. I have seen my addiction go undercover many times only to return later–sometimes much later. The longest it has been dormant was during my first years as a new Christian and church leader. This was mentioned in the conversation. It’s made me wonder if maybe some of my passion for ministry may have been a need for control and power. I’ve never really seen myself as that kind of leader, but it could be there at some level. I’m trying to be honest with myself about that.
Now that I’m in school again, the desire for porn and lust has subsided somewhat again. I’m busy with classes and life. There’s not much time for my addiction. So, as I thought about finding a group here in my new area, I was finding that I wasn’t all that interested because it seemed like my problem was not an issue right now. But, on the other hand, I also recognize that that beast is still present within me–it’s just caged right now.
My only remaining hope is that the beast can be slain. I’ve seen it caged over and over in my life. But, it always has come out roaring again eventually. I would love to see it either tamed or destroyed. That is my hope.
So, I’m planning to go check out some of the Celebrate Recoveries here. I hope I’ll find one I like. I hope I won’t have the same nightmare experience I had previously. I hope I will find the help I need. I hope…