“The Cat (bikini girls) and Mouse (horny guys) Game”

The psychology of sexual addiction is extremely fascinating to try to figure out.  This past weekend, I was at the U.S. Open of Surfing in Huntington Beach.  The majority of the girls there were dressed in skimpy bikinis trying to attract the attention of all the guys.  All the guys there were strutting their stuff and trying to score.  The sexual energy was intensely high.  Probably not the best place to be for a recovering porn addict!  But, I love surfing competitions and this was a BIG ONE!

It was very difficult to see all those girls walking around and it got me thinking…  Why do they do that?  I don’t claim to understand the thinking of girls, but it seems to me that they didn’t have good enough Daddies and now they need special attention from boys.  I’m assuming most of those girls weren’t dressing like that because they were hoping to have sex with random strangers.  It was likely more a game of cat and mouse for them.  I asked my wife about it and she said girls just like to tease.  Guys are different.  We’re not usually playing–we want sex.  But, I don’t think most girls are that way–could be wrong.

Anyway, it’s fascinating.  All those girls looking for attention.  It’s kind of sad in a way. It’s also kind of sick how all those guys were just playing into it.  The lust was thicker than the cloud of dust hovering over the beach.  And that’s what most of the people were there for–not the surfing, skating, BMX, and concerts–but the lust.

Why are we like that?  The bigger question for me is–why was I one of the few who was even trying to resist the lust inside me?  Most of the people there were surrendered to it to a degree–just living it up.  But, I was bothered by my own inner struggle.  I didn’t want to be like that.  But I am like that.  I was looking.  Even a day later, I’m thinking about all those attractive bikini-clad girls.  I don’t want to, but my flesh is weak.  

And that’s my struggle.  I hate that part of me but I can’t seem to get rid of it.  Years of porn seems to have created in me a monster.  A lust-hungry, frenzied troll that scans the crowds for the skin.  I hate that guy–but he is me.  I’m watching that guy–trying to figure him out and trying to get a bead on him because I am going to slay him.  I may not completely eradicate him as he is my nature–but I do believe I can temper and tame him.  

For me, it’s becoming less and less about porn and more and more about lust and my  nature.  I want to be a guy who can go to an event like this and just enjoy the surfing competition, etc. without getting caught up in the scenery like everyone else.  Think of all the time wasted in that whole cat and mouse thing.  Think of how foolish it really is and what is gained by it.  It’s pretty ridiculous if you really think about it.

One of the steps I’m working on in my life right now is observation.  I’m paying attention to what tempts and triggers me.  I’m thinking through my thoughts and analyzing my failures.  In some ways, I feel like I failed this weekend.  My eyes wandered and my heart strayed.  But, in other ways I think there was success there too.  I was able to see what was going on inside me and I was able to tag it as unacceptable.  I was able to assess and analyze what was happening.  Most there were not even doing that.  They were living it up without restraint.  I used to do that too, but my conscience is becoming stronger.

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