“Just When You Think it’s Over!”

It’s been a couple months since my last post.  I continue to do well with my porn addiction.  However, there have been new difficulties that have sprung up in my life that I feel like I should talk about.

Over time, I’ve come to realize that my porn problem was more than just a porn problem.  I have some kind of a love addiction.  I need girls in my life to make me feel better.  At least I always have in the past.  When I first got married, I did fine.  But, it wasn’t too long before porn started filling my need for more.  Now that I’ve given up porn, I’m finding that my need for girls is showing itself in new ways.

At college last year, I made several friends who were all of the female variety.  I thought it was a good thing.  I thought I was being free to make healthy relationships with females now that I was over porn.  At first, it all seemed very innocent and healthy.  But as time went on, I started to develop some feelings for one of those girls in particular.  Feeling that I was mature enough to deal with it, I continued the friendship but just kept stuffing my feelings away.  I rationalized that feelings were nothing more than emotions that could be controlled.  I reasoned that they were chemically based and would eventually go away if given enough time.  But, my relationship continued to grow in my mind–and became larger than I wanted it to.  I had some deep emotional feelings for this girl.  It was also causing tension with me and my wife because she didn’t approve of these friendships and I felt that she was just being controlling.

After a while, I realized that I really did need to face what was going on with these relationships and my marriage problems.  I started reading the “Love Dare”.  I started doing the dares.  I started to take it all really seriously.  It’s been about a month and a half now.  I’m almost finished with the 40 day challenge and plan to start over again when I’m finished.  The book has been really good for me.  I realized that I didn’t unconditionally love my wife and that is what I needed in order for my love addiction to be properly addressed.  I’ve been focusing a lot more on my wife instead of other girls and that has been helping a lot.  I’m still tempted, but I’m finding that I have to keep working.

I’m learning to give my wife the attention she deserves.  I’m giving her gifts, doing favors for her, texting her at work, etc.  I’m also thinking differently about her, being more patient with her, and learning to love her more.  This has served to alleviate some of the pressure but it hasn’t been easy.  I have had to pull away from some of those relationships with other girls.  That’s been hard because I really grew to love them too.  But, I’ve seen the emotional damage it has caused me and how it has effected my marriage and I decided it was worth it.  It left kind of a hollow feeling, but I’m trying to fill that space with my relationship with my wife.  That’s all I got!  I’m really thankful for my wife’s commitment to me.  She has been amazingly faithful to me through all of this and I will always appreciate her for that.


This entry was posted in Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to “Just When You Think it’s Over!”

  1. Sara says:

    Hi Justin. I’ve been keeping up with all your posts. I wish you would share more often because you are a wonderful writer. How is everything now? Have you given up these friendships? Does your wife know about your feelings for this girl? Please keep us updated.

    • Hey Sara,

      Thanks for the encouragement to keep posting. You’re right, I should keep writing here. I guess I just kind of let it taper off when I started to improve in my situation. However, there is still a lot going on and I should be sharing it. So, you’ve inspired me. As soon as I get a chance, I’ll post again. Probably this week, but it’s a super busy week.

  2. Tracy says:

    I been married for 12 years and I had a huge… Crush on my neighbor for 2 years. It was fun at the beginning until I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was horrible. But I realize that all of this started because I was super unhappy in my marriage. I told my hubby what was going on with me, at the beginning he was devastated but we worked things out! Know we are back on track things are going great!

  3. Thrunabulax10 says:

    I do not think you can deny certain hormonally caused feelings, and certain situations (working together on a daily basis) might start those hormones flowing. But where a righteous person draws the line is actually ACTING on those new feelings. You could fantasize about the new person…but going out to lunch, texting the person, spending serious amounts of time talking about non-work stuff…that is over the line.

    • Hey… I like your comment. Very clear and well spoken. I’m going to consider it very carefully because I think it’s full of truth. I’ve walked a thin line and it’s gotten me in trouble. Now, I think I need to make a big change. Still figuring out how exactly.

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