Breaking Up is Hard to Do…

In my last couple posts, I started talking about a female “friend” I have.  She became a struggle for me because what was supposed to remain a friendship started to get messy when I began to have some feelings for her.  As a married man, I don’t want that–especially considering I’m right in the middle of my mid-life crisis time.

So, I set out to change things.  It’s been a little over a month now and things are going okay.  The other day, she wanted to ask me a serious question.  She was wondering if I was trying to distance myself from her.  She said she felt that things were different.  I was surprised she noticed!  I was trying to act like I usually did but just tone it down a little with the flirting and spend less time together.  She apparently has some kind of amazing intuition or something (girls are scary that way) and put her finger right on it.

I kind of made up something on the fly and said that it was mostly our new schedules and stuff.  I also told her that I was feeling less “clingy” now and maybe she was noticing that.  I played it off–not that well…

So, now it’s a little bit tricky.  I didn’t want her to notice me changing.  I don’t want her to feel like I don’t like her anymore.  I do like her.  But, I’m trying to be back to just friends again.  And that means some changes have to take place.

I’m also kind of confused about her question.  Is it because she had become so accustomed to my flirtation with her and she’s not getting the same high from my new attitude?  Or, is she concerned because she had feelings for me too?  The only reason I’m wondering is because I’m curious about how much this is really affecting her.  If it’s the former, well, she’s probably not taking it that hard and will find her attention from someone else.  If it’s the latter, then her heart might be broken.  That would be very sad!

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24 Responses to Breaking Up is Hard to Do…

  1. Leslie says:

    If you can fall in love with another woman, you can fall back in love with your wife. I know you don’t want to hear this, but first, stop talking to the other woman. Having another “option” won’t do you any good. You will either hurt your “girlfriend” or hurt your wife. You need to decide which is more important to you.

    • Thank you. Your comment is among many saying the same thing to me right now. I really, really appreciate everyone who is giving me this straightforward advice and I’m going to deeply consider how to act upon it as best as I can.

  2. Chaya says:

    You promised your wife you would love her and only her until you die. It sounds to me that you still care deeply for this other girl. You should be caring more about hurting your wife than hurting her. If she asked you if you are distancing yourself from her, she probably has feelings for you too, you both are on a dangerous slope.

  3. jackjones says:

    I truly feel for you. I have known a woman for about 5 years now. I have always been attracted to her since the first time I saw her. She is beautiful. We rarely saw each other over the first three year I knew her. We were just two people living our separate lives. We saw each other 4-5 times per year. Over the past year though, we saw each other more as our families hung out more. Then, this past summer, she began to flirt with me a little more than she had in the past. I had thought she was always a flirt, but never really thought that much about it. But, our families were camping together and she began to flirt more. It didn’t phase me. A few weeks passed and we began communicating more…flirting some. Then, we met. I kissed her passionately and we nearly had sex, but did not. She wanted me but I was unsure at that point whether I wanted to start an affair. Since then, we have met up multiple times and had sex. At first, I felt we were just having a fling. But, within a month and a half, I began to fall in love with her. I was afraid to admit it at first, because I did not know how she felt. But, in a short amount of time, she told me that she loves me deeply. I love her deeply as well. Since we admitted it to each other, we feel that we are truly in love with one another. She has told me many times she would walk away from her husband if it weren’t for the kids. I feel the same way. Her husband treats her like a piece of property and does not love her as he should. He doesn’t even kiss her passionately. Every minute I am away from her, I hurt. When I’m with her, I am on cloud nine. I want to be with her…she wants to be with me, but I think that we are both afraid of what would happen if we both left our spouses. I am at the point where I cannot stand being away from her. I hurt daily when I can’t see her or talk to her. I constantly think about her. I dream about her. I am in love with her and I cannot have her right now. I think that it is great that you are taking steps to stop caring about her. I wish I would have, now i’m in too deep.

    • Wow! Your story is so what I needed right now. I’m sorry it comes at your expense, but thank you for sharing it with me! The fact that you say you wish you would have taken steps to stop caring in the beginning speaks volumes to me. I’ve been wrestling with thoughts about “what might have been” etc. But, your story is kind of a look into what will be if I continue down this path and it encourages me to do the hard work that I need to do right now before I’m in too deep too. If I could offer you some advice it would be this. Get the book, “Love Dare” and start pouring your affection onto your wife. Also, put as much distance as possible between you and this other girl. I cringe giving any advice right now, but for what it’s worth… Thanks again Jack!

  4. PONETTE24 says:

    You are having an emotional affair and you are an ass.

    • Thanks Ponette! 🙂 I agree on both accounts. So, the question is how did I become and ass and how do I stop? That’s what I’m trying to work out. Feelings are hard to control and remove sometimes. But, I’m working on it.

  5. Jess says:

    I understand that you are trying to change things, but it sounds like, from this post that you still have feelings for her. You need to be careful! You shouldn’t be so concerned about hurting her. She’s not your concern. Your wife is.

    • Okay. Thanks for the comment. You may be right about the feelings. As much as I want them to go away I guess it seems like they sometimes come and go and I’ve had to just wrestle with them. You’re right too about my wife. I need to do whatever it takes to fix this. Wish me luck!

  6. Pingback: Creating the Distance Between Me and My “Crush” | **Lost In Porn Blog** (Now Recovering)

  7. Tresure says:

    Your thread made me shiver because, even while you claim that the crush isn’t worth risking your marriage over, you provide all this evidence that it is. You explain how sweet and kind the girlfriend is to you,and how she is your kindred spirit. You tell us you are thinking that you want to tell the crush how you feel (and what will happen if she feels the same?), you say you’re afraid to hurt her. It’s almost like you want someone to tell you, Go for it! But, on the other hand, you sound like you sound like you want things to work out with your marriage. I’m a little confused! :/

    • You’re confused because I’m confused! You’ve nailed it on the head. I kind of want both, but then I don’t. I know I can’t have both and I’m trying to find the best way I can to completely sever the feelings that have developed for the girl I know I can’t have. And, also avoid this kind of issue in the future.

      • Timmy says:

        I understand the intense emotion that you feel for this woman. I have been there. It does sound like you still are holding on to her. Wondering if she is hurting and the reason why is a clear indication. I also know how in nearly every case these situations turn out. You indicated you have a great deal of feelings for the new woman and I don’t doubt that you do. However, it will not last in the same form it is now. It never does. Lusts always fades. When it does, people look around and wonder what happened…how they gave up so much for this new “friendship” that seemed to be the ideal…and how that beautiful dream evolved into a nightmare.
        By experience I know that if you don’t give up this friendship, you will come to regret it. Actually, regret isn’t a strong enough word. Think of it like this…take all the passion your feel for the new woman now and multiply it by a factor of ten but in a negative direction. In other words, if you lose your marriage to this new intense emotion, the result will be a much stronger emotion of sadness, regret, wishing you hadn’t done it, and longing for the life you could have had.

      • Well said! That was a very effective comment and I appreciate it. Truly!

      • FedupinTexas says:

        Let me give you a little insight from the wife’s side. We have been married 30 years, have been through births, death’s, hard times and fun times. Great sex life, shared our most intimate details of our lives. Swore we would love one another until death due us part. 8 months ago out of no where I was blindsided with the news that my loving husband wants out. I’m confused and try to figure out what is happening, thanks to his job, where he has to work in close contact with a particular woman. He has fallen in love with her. He declares how much he loves her and wants to leave, to start a new life and be all that he can be.
        Why is it that men think that because they want it so bad they can have it, because society says everyone should follow their dreams? What about my dream of living my life with the man I love? Who talks about that? No one because the person following their dreams is the all important one and what the spouse feels has no bearing on it. So, as a spouse, am I supposed to sit back and say oh, honey its okay, you go follow your dreams and I will just sit here and let mine be shattered, whatever makes you happy, makes me happy?
        No where in marriage vows does it say, oh if you’re feeling selfish, go ahead and crush the people you love, as long as your happy.
        If you have a strong marriage and enter into an extra relationship, you are the one who has no self respect, integrity or dignity and you sure as hell don’t respect your wife or your children.
        As far as the other woman goes…….If she doesn’t have the morals to not flirt around with another womans man, then she isn’t worth the oxygen wasted on her! Oh, but, you don’t want her to be hurt…humm. Something is not right.

      • I can appreciate what you’re saying and side with you. You have every right to be angry. You’re absolutely correct. I don’t think it’s right for the guy to run after the other girl. That’s what I’m trying to get out of. On one hand, it seems like the feelings that developed were out of my control. But, on the other hand, looking back I realize there were things I should have done differently to avoid it. So, now I should be the one to suffer, not my wife. I have to do the dirty work to end all of this mess I’ve made. Maybe a lot of guys aren’t willing to do that and that’s why they just bail on their marriage instead. I suppose it would seem like the easiest and most rewarding thing to do at the time. But, I’m not so sure.

  8. MJ says:

    Can a married man (or single for that matter) love two women ? I say yes. I currently am very close friends with a woman, who I have known for over 10 years, and care for her and have feelings for her. If anything happened to her, safety wise/health wise, I would be devastated. I am not a big fan of her dating other guys, but I accept it.

    NONE of my feelings have prevented me from loving my wife or kicking the soccer ball with my son. NEVER. My wife is a great woman and I am glad to have her.

    It just so happens that I also, in addition to the wife, most likely love an additional woman.

    Yes, if this woman, who is a white collar professional (brains) and sexy, wanted to throw down, I probably would.

    Guys – am I unstable or what are your thoughts.

    • I think that men have a unique ability to compartmentalize which women do not possess. It might be possible for a man to love two women, but it will never be ideal. Women cannot and will not be okay with that usually. Jealousy would seem to cause it all to crumble. I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it for 10 years, but this last year has been very difficult. My wife is not willing to share me in any way with another woman. Morally, I don’t think it is the right thing to do either. That’s my take on it.

      • Ponette24 says:

        Hate to burst your bubble, but women can also love two men at the same time. Anyone can. It happens all the time. Women are better at hiding it, and men are better at getting caught. No matter, it’s messed up either way!

    • Ponette24 says:

      So, I assume it is totally cool if your wife just happened to love another man in addition to you and if they wanted to “throw down”, no problem there. If your wife wanted to suck another man off, no biggie, cuz she loves him too.
      Think about someone (wife) other than yourself you selfish prick!

  9. Ponette, I’m sorry if I overgeneralized. I definitely can’t say I’m an expert on female nature. I was just sharing what I have generally observed. Maybe you’re right–maybe girls can love two men at the same time. You would know better than I would. If so, that’s very interesting.

  10. Patrick O. says:

    After 15 years of marriage to my only true love, I have lost my wife for all the same reasons. (We started out as friends too.) A real man honors and treasures his wife, I failed, and for this will be eternally remorseful. My wife worshiped the ground that I walked on and I just stomped on her heart, Doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, I did and still do, just kept saying to myself someday I’ll be a better husband, someday I’ll be a better father, someday…. The myth of someday. If you want joy, real happiness and a harmonious marriage, something beyond what it is now, you need to step up. I know now where I failed and if by some miracle God ever granted me another chance with my wife, I will love her and only her. I highly recommend this website which I discovered way too late and the book: If he Only Knew by Gary Smalley – Amazon has it for dirt cheap, You don’t want to end up in the same boat as me. You cannot imagine the pain and emotion that can overcome you, especially when your entire life is changed drastically by one sentence from your wife’s mouth. “I am divorcing you.”

    • Hey Patrick,
      Thanks for you comment. Sorry about what you had to go through and I truly hope you and your wife will be together again someday. I appreciate your warning and will check out the resources you recommended. They sound good!

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