Creating the Distance Between Me and My “Crush”

In my last three posts, I have begun to share the story of my friend who I’ve developed a crush on over the last year.  I want to talk a little more about that because these posts have definitely stirred up the females who have been reading them.  The comments that they have left have been very helpful and almost punitive.

The clear advice that I have received in the comments has been that I need to create a distance between myself and this girl and give my complete affection to my wife alone.  In fact, they go so far as to say I need to stop talking to her and not even care about her feelings.  Well, that would work I suppose.  I go to class with her twice a week and work in the same hospital department with her three days a week.  So, I’ve felt like this would be somewhat impossible.  Someone else added that my conversation with her should not extend beyond talk about work if necessary.  That is a bit more realistic, but also difficult.  Perhaps I do still have feelings for her.  Okay, I do.  She’s been a very good friend.  We have a lot of history now.  Like I mentioned in, “Breaking up is hard to do…” it’s not easy for me to just give that up.  But, the comments I’m getting are that I have to.  And, I appreciate those comments.  I can see the truth in them.  And I thank you all for telling me the truth openly and honestly.

So, I’m seriously chewing on that advice and trying to figure out how to go about it.  One thing I’m thinking is that I might want to talk to her openly.  I’ve never shared with her the feelings that have grown over this year.  I’ve always tried to keep it “friends”.  I would imagine she has noticed that it’s been more.  But, it’s never been spoken.  I feel like I want to talk to her about it because I still have so many questions about how she felt.  And I feel like she at least deserves to know why I’m planning to distance myself.  I think she would understand and probably would be okay with it.  I also think she would be willing to help me keep that distance.  She would back off more.

Does this seem like a bad idea?  Is there a better way I should approach this?  Is there any danger in this plan?

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17 Responses to Creating the Distance Between Me and My “Crush”

  1. Thrunabulax10 says:

    Very bad idea! You will be opening up a door that you don’t want to go in. It will bond you closer then you already are. What if you find out she has feelings for you too? What next? Big mistake!

  2. MrWhoha says:

    Don’t do it bro!!

  3. Allison says:

    If you tell your crush, “I have a crush on you” and she says “I have a crush on you too” we should distance ourselves, but u still see her everyday, it will only grow stronger believe me. What you need to do is man up, realize that no one can change your feelings but you. Saying that she would understand and help is a copout. You don’t need her help. Telling her will only make her want your attention more. That’s just how women are. I’m assuming she knows you have a wife. Yes, not a good idea.

    • Thank you. Definitely taking that into consideration for sure. Just unsure what to do really… I guess I could just start being a complete jerk to her and not tell her why. I can’t think of a middle ground. Maybe that’s my problem.

      • Allison says:

        Why do you feel like you have to Be a jerk? I don’t understand you guys. Can’t you just stop your flirting and just be friends? Why is is hard to not fall for every girl that shows you kindness? This is why women become lesbians! Lol

      • That’s hilarious (and maybe a bit true)! I honestly don’t know why. You girls seem to be able to do it, but for some reason it seems almost impossible for us! Hence my budding conclusion–guys and girls can’t be just friends… guys just CAN’T do it!

      • Crissy says:

        I personally don’t think you should be a jerk to her.It doesn’t have to come down to that. If I could give you this one piece of advice it would be that you should admire your wife in-front of your friend. Talk of your wife around her. I’ve read your blogs. Your wife is a superstar. She has stuck by you through much more then most women would have. You need to let the world know that. Trust me, it’ll be the change your looking for. Your friend will no longer think of you as available, but someone who loves your wife. Marriages are falling apart left and right. Be the example that this world needs. Especially as a Christian. There’s no better witness then a close family unit, that nothing can break up. Plus, the more you think of your wife and say things about her out loud in front of others the more you will start to believe it and appreciate it and get excited about it. It’s just a change in thought. You got this!
        -your sister in Christ

      • That’s very solid advice and I appreciate it! I’m going to practice that more–thank you. And yes, my wife really is a superstar! That’s one reason I have to get this all worked out. The other is moral conviction.

  4. kesha says:

    I am married and a few years ago I develoed strong feelings for a guy. I wasn’t sure how he felt about me, until he sat me down and told me that he had such a huge crush on me. That when he saw me- he got butterflies. This made me want him more. The thought that I could bring out those kind of feelings again in someone, made me feel wonderful! He even told me that he needed to getaway from me because it was to hard. That ignited a fire. A dangerous and exciting affair.

    You need to ask yourself what you want. Are you looking for her to tell you she cares about you too? That is the only reason I can think of to tell her. I wish he never would have said a word to me. Im still married, but separated now.

  5. Deb says:

    Just reading over your post and you mention “I feel like I want to talk to her about it because I still have so many questions about how she felt”. My question for you is, why do you still want to know how she felt? What do you want this answer to accomplish?

  6. Deb says:

    Why are you staying with your wife? Honestly. Because if you will forever wonder if she felt the same way, chances are, you will never be free from her. I don’t think that’s fair. Is it worth it to you? Because all this advice will just fall on def ears if your not willing to answer the tough questions.

  7. Hmmm… interesting point. I think time will heal this wondering, honestly.

  8. Eugene says:

    I think you are taking some right steps on making things different. Here are a few more thoughts you can chew on.
    It is so important to look at why you may be tempted, and to realize that you are most vulnerable when things aren’t good at home. If the relationship is suffering at home, your primary focus needs to be on getting things right between you and your spouse, so you won’t have any context for temptation beyond the relationship. Temptation begins in the mind, so we need to set a guard inside our mind.
    Noticing beautiful people in your world is inevitable, but you can’t allow yourself to dwell there. The battles must ultimately be won in your mind, by refusing to linger on tempting thoughts. For that reason it is important to put boundaries in your relationships with people outside of your marriage.
    For as long as I can remember, my wife and I agreed not to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are a close friend to both of us. We limit our contact with these people, and we never go out for lunch or for coffee alone with a person of the opposite sex.
    Sometimes, a little chemistry begins to develop between a man and a woman at work. You leave your spouse at home in the morning with major bedhead after having had a difficult evening the night before. Then you come to work to interact with this other person who is all dressed up and in the best part of their day. They are not battling kids or anything else, and they are just there looking so fresh and so friendly. That’s a dangerous zone to be in. And be careful about verbal bantering and teasing. Women listen for words. Be sure that your kindness isn’t being misunderstood, and don’t let any sexual innuendos creep into your jokes, or allow teasing to become an enticement. Of course, you also need to draw the line in physical contact. While my wife and I are both compassionate and expressive people, we very rarely give frontal hugs to people of the opposite sex. Instead we just come beside them and give them a hug that way. You may think you’re just encouraging someone with a little hug, but that can be misinterpreted very easily.
    When it really comes down to it, God needs us men to be the anchors in our relationships. Eve left Adam and was tempted. Adam did not leave. You need to be the anchor for your wife. She needs you to stand by her side. Ask God to help you so that you do not fall into temptation yourself, or become a temptation to someone else. Ask Him what steps you need to take to protect your marriage right now.

    • Hi Eugene. I really appreciate your well thought out and carefully written comment. I’ve made some mistakes and broken several of the rules you listed. I now realize that and I’m learning from those mistakes. I now realize how important having those rules is. I thought I was Superman and could resist temptation while placing myself on dangerous ground. But, I’m not and I couldn’t. That was good for me to find out. I’m just glad I realized it before I got into something I couldn’t get out of. Thanks again for the good, practical tips. I agree with every one of them and look forward to guarding myself in the same ways in the future!

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