Should I tell her about my feelings and my need to separate?

So, I’m looking for some quick advice from this post.  Here’s what’s going on in a nutshell if you haven’t been keeping up with my posts:

1)  I’m married (20 years now) and working on trying to make my marriage better and more exciting.

2)  I have a female friend from school/clinicals who I developed feelings for over the summer because we were spending a lot of time together.

3)  I decided to create some distance because I can’t afford to have those feelings in my life.

4)  She noticed I was being different and kind of distant–at least that things weren’t the same.  She asked me about it.

5)  I sort of fibbed a little and told her that it was just because of our new semester and new clinical rotation and that I haven’t changed.

6)  I realize now that I need to create a lot more distance than either one of us might feel comfortable with.  I feel like it could hurt her.  I know it will be difficult for me too, but I think it’s important.  I owe it to my wife.

7)  I was thinking about telling her about the feelings I developed over the summer so that she understands the reason for what I feel like needs to happen.  Otherwise, I feel like she wouldn’t understand if I just start giving her the cold shoulder for no apparent reason.  We’re still going to school and clinicals together.

8)  I realize she might confess she had feelings for me too (or maybe not).  I think I would be okay with that because that is just more reason for both of us to create some real distance between us.

So, I would really like to hear from those who have had this sort of experience.  What did you do?  What would you have done differently, if anything?  Would you recommend I do or do not do what I’m thinking?  I need to hear some learned wisdom gained by experience.

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13 Responses to Should I tell her about my feelings and my need to separate?

  1. Jer says:

    I think you are taking all the right steps. I applaud you for that. I had an affair that started out as a friendship. I would give anything to take that back. I don’t think you should discuss your feelings with her. That should be left between you and your wife. And God! He will help you through it. You need to learn to live in a world with women. They will always be around. It sounds like you let yourself get into deep. But, at least you recognize that.

    • Hey Jer! Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience. Very helpful! Yes, I got in too deep, but thankfully I think I’m at a place where I can still get out without too much damage. I will take your advice seriously.

  2. Mikey says:

    It’s hard to know what to do with a crush. A man can tell his friend“I have feelings for you,” what the girl hears are not those words, but they hear something else that sounds a bit like, “I wanna date you!” or “I want to make out with you right now!” or “I want to move in with you and live with you as your life partner for ever and ever!” We are two different creatures. It’s probably not best to tell her how you feel. It’ll be taken all wrong.

  3. Tomcat says:

    My wife, who is a fairly shy person, has been lonely, and she’s started to develop a life without me — going to the gym, attending music functions with friends and so on. I have encouraged her to do so. Last week, I was beginning to sense something was different, and after some discussion over a few glasses of wine, she told me she was “infatuated” with a guy from the gym. They’ve become friends. She later said it was nothing, just a crush and I should not be concerned.

    I don’t think she’d really cheat on me, but I can’t shake the feeling that our once-close relationship has been compromised. She assures me that I’m making too much out of it, and that it’s all just because she’s lonely, but I’m really hurt that she would want someone other than me.

    Am I making too much out of this?

    • NO WAY! You’ve got a very legitimate concern. I have been telling my wife the same kinds of things over the last year–all the while my feelings kept growing and developing for this other girl. She needs to break away from this and draw closer to you or something is bound to happen eventually. I don’t know how you can convince her of this though. My wife was trying to tell me these things but I just wouldn’t listen until I finally realized it was true for myself. Luckily for me, I’m taking steps to change BEFORE it became too late!

  4. Omar says:

    Get used to the crushes i seen millions of them. There are lots of beautiful people in the world that will capture your heart not just movie stars but other regular people as well.

  5. Raymond Griffith says:

    Well, I should hope that I am my wife’s crush. She still makes my eyes light up when I see her.

    I wouldn’t want to have a crush on anyone else. It would make me feel awkward toward my wife. I don’t need feelings that might prompt me to act inappropriately. I might have every good intention, but a crush would be a weak point that might give way.

    I am invested in my wife, my marriage, my family. The children are growing up, they will be getting married, moving to other places. When my nest is empty of children, I hope my wife will still be there with me. Good luck.

  6. Jazmine says:

    I’m not so sure about this. I was apparently the object of someone’s crush, and they told me this in similar terms, and it pretty much made me seriously uncomfortable to be around them. My problem with it, is that it implies that there was some kind of potential relationship that might have evolved in a different time and place, when in fact that was all in his mind. I would not have even thought we were more than good friends, much less potential love interests. If you are sure that the one you are crushing on shares your feelings, this talk would be fine. If you have just worked up some one sided imaginary relationship, it might be seriously odd.

  7. I understand your dilemma it is quite hard to develop feelings for someone when you always spend time with that person (which is good if you are single), and you do love your wife, I believe. But from a woman’s point of view – if you are so afraid to hurt your crush’s feelings – just let it be, otherwise if you dig yourself deeper and realize later on and wished to turn things around then your crush will get more hurt. Cheers! – Ritter

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