So I Told My Crush How I Feel about Her, And…

In the comments to my last few posts, I received a lot of great advice about whether or not I should share with my crush how I was feeling about her.

Some said, “definitely not”, because if she liked me too it could lead to something.  Another reason I shouldn’t tell her was that if she didn’t like me now, she might start to afterward because girls are drawn to affection.  Another reason was that she might start to feel uncomfortable with me afterwards.

Some advised me to go ahead and talk to her if I felt comfortable doing so.  They said it could take away some of the mystery and “what ifs”.

Some said I should just stop talking to her altogether.  I was “having an emotional affair on my wife and I’m an ass!”.  I was advised to end this friendship completely.

Finally, some said I should ditch my wife and go after this friend since I seemed to have fallen out of love with my wife and have a kindred spirit with my friend.

So, as you can see, I received advice from one extreme to the other and everything in between.  As a result, I took all of the advice very seriously and pondered each angle and decided to act according to what was on my heart.

My friend and I have a very open communication.  That’s kind of what was drawing me to her.  We are able to talk very freely and openly.  We have shared some of our deepest secrets with each other (which I now consider to have been a mistake).  However, with this easy channel of communication, I knew it would be very easy to talk to her about the feelings I had for her.

But, why did I want to talk to her about them?  Many in the comments wanted to know the answer to this question.  Was it because I was hoping that something would spark up as a result?  Was it because I still have feelings for her?  Was it because of my ego?  These kinds of questions made me think and I had to really search my intentions.  The answers I came up with were… because, basically, the curiosity was going to kill me in the future.  I didn’t want to spark up anything.  I wanted to put an end to this.  I felt like having this conversation with her might be a good way for me to put it to rest in my own heart.  Plus, I knew that I was starting to change how I interact with her and I wanted her to understand why.  She was already noticing that I was starting to treat her differently and she had asked me if there was a reason.  I hadn’t been straightforward in answering her and I felt that I at least owed her an explanation, out of respect.  I also felt that by talking to her, we could once again define how the relationship should continue in the future.  We had talked about this early on.  We had a conversation about guys and girls being friends and how these relationships need to be treated a bit differently.  But, it had been awhile since we had talked about that and a lot of mistakes had been made along the way.  That topic needed to be readdressed with the mistakes in mind.  Another reason I wanted to talk to her was because I was very curious about whether she had developed feelings for me in the same way I had with her.  I just wanted to know for myself.

Even though I was strongly considering the idea of talking to her about all of this, I was still hesitant and a bit fearful of opening that door.  But, then the other night an opportunity came along that almost seemed providential and I just spilled it!

I have been tutoring her and another friend from school for the past year and a half now.  So, we were scheduled to have a study the other night.  For the first time ever, the other friend didn’t show up–leaving the two of us at Starbucks alone.  I was really feeling uncomfortable with this, even thought this wasn’t the first time we had been at Starbucks or some other restaurant alone (another past mistake).  This time it was different, because I was trying to change and correct my past mistakes.

So, we studied for awhile and the whole time I was starting to think that maybe this was the opportunity I needed to talk to her.  But, I kept putting it off.  Later, we were talking about something and the subject of my wife came up.  I told her I was feeling uncomfortable about us being alone together and that my wife would absolutely kill me if she found out.  This led to her asking me about how my wife was doing and I told her that she was going through a time of extra sensitivity about this particular friendship.  She asked why my wife was so upset.  I hesitated.  (I knew the reason was because my wife now knew that I had developed some feelings, but she didn’t know this.)  She sensed my hesitation and asked “what is it?” with that tone that meant she knew I was holding something back.  I told her it was nothing.  She persisted–she knew I wasn’t telling her something.  This was the moment!

I basically told her that I wanted to share something with her but that I didn’t want it to harm our friendship.  She confirmed that it wouldn’t.  So, I started with the conversation we had had a long time ago about whether guys and girls could be friends.  I told her that it all started out fine and that I didn’t have any feelings other than as friends.  But, along the way, I felt we had made some mistakes that had opened the doors to a deeper relationship.  I talked about our summer clinical rotation and how it had really been a “perfect storm”.

Let me explain the summer clinical rotation for a moment…  We had 45 days of clinicals in a row over the summer.  She and I were assigned to a site together for the summer.  It turned out to be the rotation from hell.  We both hated it.  The people there were making it miserable for us.  We were also commuting an hour there and back every day and the traffic was a nightmare at times.  At the site, we were given segregated chairs for students.  As a result, we were constantly together and mostly alone together.  We had to depend heavily on each other just to make it through with our sanity!  As a result, we got really close during this time.  We shared a very difficult experience together and it drew us close in a way that only the two of us could understand.

So, I talked to her about that and told her that, during that time, I began to develop feelings for her beyond friendship.  I explained that I didn’t WANT to have those feelings, but that I just couldn’t seem to shake them during that time.  I went on to explain that after the summer was over, during the break, I spent a lot of time reading “The Love Dare” and another book about midlife crisis.   I was focusing my attention on my wife.  I was shaking off the feelings that had developed during the clinical.  I was re-evaluating, searching my heart, and making new decisions.  I had a new resolve to change how I was interacting with her (and other girls).  I kind of went through a period of mourning and loss during that time–almost like I was breaking up with a girlfriend.  But, I felt during the break that I had severed those feelings and was ready to do things right now.

After the break, we started a new clinical rotation at a new facility.  Her and I both worked there as well, but we were on different schedules which lessened the amount of time we were together.  We were also having less class time together.  Plus, I was putting my new policies in place as to how I would treat her.  As mentioned before, she had noticed that and asked me about the way I was treating her.  So, I brought that up as I was talking with her and told her that when she asked me about that, I hadn’t been completely honest.  I told her, now, that the reason I was treating her differently was because I knew I had to change things between us.  I needed to cut out the flirtation, the alone time, the clinging, etc.  I needed things to return to “just friends”.  And this time, I needed us to be more careful about what that entails.

She took it all in and responded very gently.  She didn’t seem shocked.  She wasn’t belittling.  She understood.  She agreed that we should change some things–especially for my sake.  She was very easy to talk to–just as I had expected she would be.

So, then I asked her the question I had been wanting to ask her…  “Along the way, had she developed any feelings for me?”  Her answer was, “no… not more than ‘friends’.”  I was a little bit surprised, to be honest.  There were signs along the way that made me feel like she had.  But, there were also clear signs along the way that had made me feel like she hadn’t.  I was unsure.  So, I just asked her again.  I told her that she could be completely honest with me and that I just needed to know.  She, again, confirmed that her feelings for me had never gone beyond close friends and, this time, I completely believed her.  I told her that it was kind of surprising to me because of the experience and time we had had together over the summer, but I also realize that girls seem to be able to be friends with guys more than guys seem to be able to be friends with girls.  There just seems to be a difference between us in that way!

She dropped me off at home and I felt a great weight lifting off my shoulders.  I now knew the truth and so did she.  And, we were both okay with that truth.  We were both willing to work it out.  We were both committed to correcting the mistakes we had made and there didn’t seem to be any awkwardness.

The next morning, I woke up and read my daily quote for the day.  It said, “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”  Wow! How appropriate!  I now had a new opportunity!  I had done it!  I was now free!

I went to clinicals that next day and she was there.  It wasn’t awkward AT ALL.  We both got along just fine, but we were more appropriate with each other.  It seemed to be that, overnight, everything had been made right between us.  No more mystery.  No more questions.  No more fantasies.  Nothing!  Just friends.  And it truly felt right again…

Some may not agree that I should have spoken with her about this.  But, I know it was right for me.  Should there be consequences from it in the future, I will let you know.  But, I followed my heart and, this time, it seems like I finally may have done the right thing.

For the first time in a very long time, my wife finally has my whole heart.  I’m free of porn and I’m free of wanting another girl.  It feels amazing!  I love my wife so much and couldn’t appreciate her more for sticking with me through all of this.  I am committed to honoring her by changing my ways in the future.  I intend to apply the intelligence I have gained through this.

In my quote for the day book, my wife had slipped a little note note.  It was in the page of the quote I just shared above.  That morning, the morning after talking to my crush, I found her little note.  It read:

“You don’t need to thank me for being patient with you.  LOVE is patient! And I love you no matter what.  And that’s enough.  Because you’re worth it.  There are so many reasons why I love you.  I can think of 52.  The first reason why I love you is because you care about me.  I can feel your love for me and I really appreciate it!  That makes me love you right back!  Have a great day.”

I can’t even begin to tell you how that note touched me!!!  I was in tears!  In one of the comments I received a while back, one woman called my wife a “superstar” because most women would have left me a long time ago.  I couldn’t agree more with that comment!  My wife is the most amazing woman I have ever known.  She truly is a SUPERSTAR.  I now have the opportunity to be completely faithful to her and I’m so excited for the new “us”.

I’ve been running into a lot of good information about guy/girl interaction and about loving your wife and midlife crisis’, etc.  So, I think my blog is about to take a new direction…  Thank you everyone for your input and support and prayers.  Truly, even though I only know you from this blog, you are a big part of my life!

–Justin

This entry was posted in breaking up, crushes, marriage, midlife crisis, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to So I Told My Crush How I Feel about Her, And…

  1. Paul says:

    I’m excited to see where your blog is heading. Most situations like yours ends very badly. Its good to see a a happy ending for once!

    • Thanks! Yes, I’m looking forward to the future. I feel great right now–kind of like everything is finally coming together in my life. I’ve battled some serious stuff and come out ahead for once! I’ll keep you posted!

  2. Ponette24 says:

    I’m giving you props. But, I hope for your wife’s sake, you truly have moved on. I really respect your honesty.

  3. Horica says:

    Not the way I would have handled it. But, it all worked out for your situation. It was good that she didn’t share your same feelings.I truly hope that this has ended it for you and I hope you will continue to keep that distance from her. You seem to really care about her and hold her up on a pedestal. Don’t let your guard down with her again. Looking forward to future posts. Good luck!

  4. Leslie says:

    You mentioned that you were her tutor. Are you still?

    • Yes, I am (as a fellow classmate who helps her and a friend pass).

      • Leslie says:

        How does your wife feel about this?

      • We’ve talked about it. I asked her just now so that I could give you a straightforward response. Basically, she has mixed feelings about it. On one hand, she would rather that I didn’t. On the other hand, she recognizes that I’m valuable to them. They probably wouldn’t have passed several classes without my help. I suppose they could hire some tutor or something, but it’s just really convenient that I’m available. Plus, I gain something from it as well. It helps me keep focused and to study better myself. Teaching is a great way to learn! Also, on the other hand, she wants me to be able to move on. She believes I can do this. And I am doing it and it’s working. The studying together isn’t really a difficult area for us because we are focused on the tests. So, my wife is giving me permission while at the same time wanting me to be very careful. She has an open invitation to come to any of our study sessions if she wants to.

  5. sean says:

    Crushes are a natural thing, they come and go. It will happen again. Many times. Probably even with this girl if your still spending time with her. This is why you shouldnt mention it everytime you crush on someone. It doesnt last. But, just don’t let your heart be pulled away. That’s where the danger lies. Good thing she didn’t feel the same.

    • It might happen again. But, I’m thinking that if I change the way I interact with girls (skip the flirting, hanging out alone, etc.) and put my focus on my wife and family instead, that should help prevent it. I wouldn’t have said anything to this girl but we had been really close for over a year and I had made a lot of mistakes with her. I felt like I owed it to her to talk to her in this situation because I knew she would understand and felt like she would appreciate me letting her know how things were going to be different going forward. All of this happened. Even if she had felt the same about me, I would have discussed how we both needed to make some changes. In fact, we both HAVE made some changes together. It’s kind of like we’re trying to help each other out. I really respect her for how she handled this and she seems to respect me as well. Our relationship is so much better in a healthy way now. I’m liking just being friends with her in a more guarded way.

  6. Tim says:

    Great post!

  7. Leslie says:

    Any updates? How did it go this week?

  8. MrsB says:

    My husband has a crush on a woman friend of his. I heard it in the sound of his voice when he spoke to her on the phone. As I’m not a jealous person, this has really taken me aback. He doesn’t deny it but says that it will never progress to anything else and that they are very good friends. I like her too, don’t believe that either of them would ever be unfaithful. Just knowing that he has romantic feelings for another woman makes me feel terrible, and I can hardly look him in the eye. How do I deal with this and move along?

    • Well, you shouldn’t be too naive about this. I told my wife it was never going to turn into anything. I had no intention of being unfaithful to my wife. But, the more my feelings grew the more tempted I was to cheat. I had to get myself out of what I had gotten into and I’m glad I changed when I did. I know his feelings hurt you. My wife felt exactly like you are describing. Women need to understand that men can fall in love with another woman while still loving their wives. It seems we are more capable of compartmentalizing. I’m not saying women can’t do this, but it is not typical. Most women are very monogamous in nature. Men tend to be more polygamous. So, don’t take it personally. Having said that, you should start to do some things to gain more of his attention. He may be going through a crisis in his life or he may be bored with marriage. See my latest post called “The Greatest Secret to Remaining Faithful…” for great tips on how my wife is winning me back to her. Good luck!

      • MrsB says:

        Don’t take it personally? I’m sorry, but it kind of sounds like you are making excuses for men. Did you really fall in love with this other girl? Or, was it lust?

  9. Sure, no hard feelings. This blog is about trying to be completely transparent–sometimes that gets harsh. If it sounded like I was making excuses for men, you misunderstood me. I’m not making any excuses at all. It’s NOT okay for men to fall in love with another woman! That’s my main point. I was just saying that it’s POSSIBLE for that to happen… In fact, if certain rules aren’t followed by men, and they aren’t careful around women, it may be INEVITABLE for a man to fall in love with a close female friend. And that’s not a good thing! That’s why I’m sharing my struggle and how hard I’m trying to get out of it. That’s why I’m posting the rules and committing to following them. I hope that clears up what I was trying to say. I think men are very vulnerable to developing feelings for women they get too close to. They need to be aware of that vulnerability and take it very seriously. You told me that your husband is getting too close to another woman–that’s dangerous. He is very open to developing stronger feelings than he might have intended at first. That’s what happened to me and many other men who have been commenting on my posts. We think we’re invincible but we’re not!
    You asked me whether my feelings for my crush were lust-based or love-based. My answer is that they are love-based. I don’t find myself to be very sexually attracted to her. But, I have loved her–almost as a lesser wife. I knew I had to create some distance between us as a result. It hasn’t been easy and it hurts. It would have been better to not get into this situation in the first place–by taking precautions with other women.

  10. MrsB says:

    OK, I get what you are saying. I appreciate your thought out response. I hope that you know im not judging you, and really I respect you for making some changes. Im just so worried now that my husbands feelings have developed into something more-like yours did. If my husband ever fell in love with another, I would be devastated. I don’t think I’d be able to bounce back from it. Just the thought of having a spouse, the person who pledged to love and be faithful to you for the rest of your lives, the person you have given every part of your heart and body to —just to think that this person could throw your love and commitment away and pledge love to someone else, is inconceivably cruel. No one deserves to hear that “news” from his or her spouse. Did you admit to your wife that you are in love with another? Or, did you kind of down play it? Because, in your posts you were saying she was your crush. There’s kind of a big difference. If my husband admits that he has a crush, I believe we can be OK. But, if he’s fallen in love, I’m not so sure. Where you honest with her? Thank you in advance.

    • I think, to me, love without a commitment is a crush. It could also be infatuation. So, that’s what I’ve presented it as to my wife. I really care about this other girl, but I can let her go. I’m choosing to let her go. So, even if your husband falls in love with this other person, the good news is that it can be reversed. I know women really have a hard time with the idea of their husbands heart having been shared–but if you love him, please, be patient and work with him. You can win his whole heart–my wife did! But, it took her a lot of patience, understanding, and love for me. Question–is your husband between 35 and 52? If so, this might be a midlife crisis situation. You should get some books on surviving your husbands midlife crisis. You might also talk to him about this very normal (although still very dangerous) time in almost all men’s lives. If he is willing to educate himself and confront his emotional issues, you both could get through this.

  11. MrsB says:

    My husband is 38. I thought maybe it was too young for a mid life crisis. But, maybe not. I know this might be asking too much, but if your willing could you pass my email off to your wife? I”d really like to connect with her. If she is willing could you ask her? I feel like she can maybe help me get through this. This message will be just between us. Please keep it off your blog. I just really like some advice from someone who has been there. My personal email is BonitaBass@yahoo.com. I would understand if you’d rather not. No hard feelings.

  12. Experts say the normal age for midlife crisis is from around 35-52. I started mine at 35. I almost had an affair with a girl I met. Things worked out that I was spared that terrible mistake. Things were fine again until lately–6 years later. She’s willing to talk with you. I’ll give her your e-mail.

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